I’ve dated a fair bit in my life, both in my youth and as an adult. Many people find dating a chore, but I’ve always found it interesting, and after interacting with many different kinds of women in a romantic context, I’ve developed a theory of romantic chemistry:
- We all have a romantic essence that corresponds to one of the four classical elements: Earth, Air, Fire, and Water.
- Romantic chemistry is generated through the attraction of opposites: Earth goes with Air, and Fire goes with Water.
In romantic relationships, this means that solid, grounded Earth guys like me click with women a little on the ditsy side, who have an Air essence.
By the same token, a man with a Fire essence, as many hot-rodders and welders have, will click with a Water woman, and dig her calming presence.
Does this theory hold water? Read on and decide for yourself.
I had an insight about chemistry
I began to develop this theory when I talked to a friend about his marriage that didn’t quite work. He told me that the chemistry between he and his former wife always felt a little “off,” and during the course of the conversation, he mentioned that her favorite color was brown. Thinking that might be significant, I asked him what his favorite color was. He said green. These were both earth tones, I noted.
Then I thought about the women with whom I’d had great chemistry. They all had blue eyes, and liked to wear clothes of that color, of the sky. They all had sunny temperaments, and liked to flit and flirt. Several were seen as “airheads,” and it occurred to me that the label fit: they weren’t earth-solid, or fiery, or serene like the water of a lake. They were breezy, like the air.
My favorite color was also green, an “earth” color. So, if the women I’d clicked with were “air,” and I was “earth,” did it mean that Earth men plus Air women equaled great chemistry? By the same token, did Fire women and Water men match up well? I decided to try and find out.
I tested my insight out on a date
Several years ago, I had a date with a woman I liked very much. I wasn’t attracted to her, but I thought she had a great vibe nonetheless. At the time, my work was pretty intense, and being around her soothed my soul, like stepping into a warm bath, or a cool stream.
As we talked on our date, I thought, “She’s Water.” Her kind eyes, smooth manner, and gentle way of talking all indicated Water to me. Within the first hour, we both figured out that we weren’t a romantic match, but we also came to feel that we liked each other as friends.
When I asked her, “What sort of man are you looking for?” she said she wasn’t sure, so I told her, “I think you need a man who has something to do with Fire.” She asked me what I meant, so I said: “I think you have a Water essence, which means you’ll get along best with a guy who has something to do with Fire, like an electrician, or a soldier.”
This resonated with her. Her ex-husband, she told me, was a soldier who owned quite a few firearms. We exchanged numbers so we could keep in touch, and about a month later, she called to tell me that she was dating a guy she liked a lot. He was a bit of a wild man, she said, but they had great chemistry. His occupation? Chef. That is, a guy who works with fire all day long.
I tested it on several other dates
Not long after that, I had a date with a gal who I thought had a strong Air essence. Her pictures on the dating site showed that she had a certain airy twinkle in her eyes, one that looked familiar. When we met in person, at a winery, her vibe was familiar–it was that of the Air women I’d had great chemistry with in the past. Sure enough, we had great chemistry, too.
That relationship didn’t go anywhere–she was a little too flitty and flirty for me—but it did confirm my ideas about romantic chemistry.
Another date that validated my ideas was one I had with a tall, slender redhead. From the moment we met, I could see that her essence was Fire. The way she challenged me in conversation, the look in her eyes like a lioness’ gaze, the way she tossed her hair to grab my attention, it all signified Fire.
That date turned into a relationship, and a good one. Still, it didn’t feel quite right. After three months together, I figured out why, and told her that she needed a man with a Water essence. As you might imagine, she got hot. “What are you talking about?” she snapped, after which I explained to her why she’d go better with a man who had something to do with water.
“Go away,” she told me, which I did. I found out later that not long after we stopped dating, she’d met the man of her dreams and they’d shacked up together. His occupation? Head lifeguard at a local water park.
David Deida clued into it, too
David Deida’s The Way of the Superior Man is an excellent book, but I think it’s mistitled. I think the title should be How a Smart Man Handles Women, because that’s what it’s mostly about. In it, Deida explains a lot of useful things, such as why the most passionate women can be difficult to deal with, and why the vast majority of women are attracted to dangerous men.
Some of what he writes touches on romantic chemistry. When he writes, “Each woman has a temperature that can heal or irritate you,” he’s right on. He’s even more on the mark when he points out that women of different intensities can heal or irritate the same man at different times. If you’ve been slacking, a hot tamale can be just what you need to get fired up and moving. If you’ve been having a tough time, a cool drink of water will soothe your soul.
He also writes that a man should choose a woman who’s his complementary opposite. As he puts it, “If a man is very masculine by nature, then he will be attracted to a very feminine woman, who will complement his energy. The more neutral or balanced he is, the more balanced he will prefer his woman.”
Both of the ideas he presents aren’t far from my own thesis that elemental opposites attract, and generate the best chemistry. It follows that catty-corner pairings, like Earth and Fire, or Air and Water, should feel a little “off.” That’s been my experience: as an Earth man, I have fires inside me, and when I dated the redhead, I found that there was too much Fire. By the same token, I once fell asleep on a date with a Water woman.
Try the theory out for yourself
If you’re single, and you want to make a good romantic match, try and determine your own elemental essence. Here are some rules of thumb to help you do that:
- Are you a blithe spirit? An optimist at heart who usually looks on the sunny side of life? Do you dance, like a Ferris Bueller or Gloria Cleary-type social butterfly, around things that leave other people stuck in the mud? If so, you probably have an Air essence.
- In your interactions with other people, do you tend to “smooth the waters?” Are you easy to get along with? Are you a good daughter or son, house guest, and/or friend? Do others look to you for solace and comfort? If so, you probably have a Water essence.
- Do you inspire other people? Are you the life of the party, or the go-to person for something in your social circle? Do you often feel misunderstood? Do you accept confrontation and conflict as an inevitable part of life? If so, you probably have a Fire essence.
- Do you love spending time out in nature? Are you a deep thinker who wants to understand things at a deep level? Do you tend to wear clothes in earth tones? Do your friends consider you a “rock” than they can rely on? If so, you probably have an Earth essence.
Once you’ve figured out your own elemental essence, if you’re single, go looking for someone with an essence that’s the opposite of yours. Once you’ve met them, flirt it up. My guess is that you’ll strike some sparks. Here’s hoping that happens, and that you two get to smoochin’ and live happily ever after.